Friday, August 27, 2010

The Alternative Little Mermaid

Author’s note: This is, I freely admit, not entirely all my own work.  I have borrowed  heavily from the original story 'The Little Mermaid', written by Hans Christian Anderson in 1836.  I read this story when I was a child.  By some miracle it didn't actually give  me nightmares (if your knowledge of this story is mainly based on the Disney version, I suggest you read the original, which you can find here http://hca.gilead.org.il/li_merma.html - but perhaps not if you want to sleep peacefully tonight), however even at that young age I was pretty unhappy with the whole thing on principle.  This is my preferred version of events. 

 Once upon a time, deep under the sea...

“Wait,” said the youngest daughter of the Sea King, “you’re saying that you’ll prepare a draught for me, and when I drink it my tail will disappear and I’ll look like a human woman?”

“Yes,” cackled the sea witch, sitting in her house built with the bones of shipwrecked human beings, “but it will be very painful.”  She continued, almost as though reading from a script, “you shall feel as if a sword were passing through you.  But all who see you will say that you are the prettiest little human being they ever saw. You will still have the same floating gracefulness of movement, and no dancer will ever tread so lightly; but at every step you take it will feel as if you were treading upon sharp knives, and that the blood must flow.”

“All right...” said the mermaid slowly, “but I’ll have legs so I’ll be able to meet the prince?”

“Indeed,” replied the evil sorceress, “but if you do not win his love, so that he is willing to forget his father and mother for your sake, and to love you with his whole soul, and allow the priest to join your hands that you may be man and wife, then you will never have an immortal soul. The first morning after he marries another your heart will break.”

“Well, I can take a little pain,” said the mermaid.  “I’ll be beautiful, and an incredible dancer.  And I’m already a fabulous singer.  How can he resist?  Let’s do it!”

“But I must be paid also,” continued the witch, “and it is not a trifle that I ask. You have the sweetest voice of any who dwell here in the depths of the sea, and you believe that you will be able to charm the prince with it also, but this voice you must give to me; the best thing you possess will I have for the price of my draught. My own blood must be mixed with it, that it may be as sharp as a two-edged sword.”

“You want to take away my voice?”

“You will still have your beautiful form, your graceful walk, and your expressive eyes; surely with these you can enchain a man’s heart. Well, have you lost your courage?  Put out your little tongue that I may cut it off as my payment.”

“Wait.  Taking my voice involves cutting off my tongue?  And this, ‘my heart will break’ thing – that’s figurative, right?”

“No,” said the witch impatiently, “you will become foam on the crest of the waves .”

“So, I’ll die?”

“You have no immortal soul.  Death means nothing.”

“Actually, I think it does.”

“Well – “

“ At the moment I’ve got three hundred years before I turn into sea foam.  If he doesn’t fall in love with me – I mean it’s unlikely but you never know – I might be bubbles in a matter of weeks.  Isn’t there another option?”

The witch thought for a moment.  “I’ve always admired your sisters’ hair.  I’ll compromise.  If you fail and if they agree to give me their hair I’ll exchange it for a magical knife.  Before the sun rises after the prince’s wedding day, you must plunge it into his heart.  When the warm blood falls upon your feet they will grow together again, and form into a fish’s tail, and you will be once more a mermaid, and return to us to live out your three hundred years before you die and change into the salt sea foam.”

“That’s pretty gruesome,” replied the little mermaid.

“I am an evil witch,” replied the witch.

“Yes but come on, evil witches turn people into toads who turn back completely unharmed when kissed by royalty. They don’t threaten unbearable pain with, I might add, graphic descriptions of the sensation of knifes cutting into your feet.  And frankly the whole hair thing is just weird.  Plus, plunging a knife into his heart and letting the blood flow over my feet?  Ugh.”

“You don’t have to do that part.  That’s only if you fail.  And as I understand it, if you fail and choose the sea foam route you actually become a daughter of the air.  If you strive for three hundred years to do good deeds for mankind you may obtain an immortal soul and eventually float into the kingdom of heaven.”

“MAY obtain?”

“Well, apparently daughters of the air can enter the houses of men, where there are children, and for every day on which you find a good child, who is the joy of his parents and deserves their love, your time of probation is shortened.  But when you see a naughty or a wicked child, you shed tears of sorrow, and for every tear a day is added to your time of trial.”

“Yes.  I hear there are quite a few naughty kids out there.”

“Anyway,” said the witch brusquely, “put out your little tongue that I may cut it off as my payment; then you shall have the powerful draught.”

“You know... “ said the little mermaid, “I’m starting to think my grandmother had a point when she said that thing about pride and pain.  The prince is handsome, and he IS a prince, but tongue amputation, knives-through-the-feet, and a high chance of death?  He’s probably an idiot anyway.  I mean I don’t know, I’ve never actually had a conversation with him – and now I come to think about it I’m not entirely sure why I’m so in love with the guy in the first place – but you hear a lot of stories about royal families marrying their cousins .”

The witch frowned.  “So, you don’t want to give up everything for the chance to marry a handsome prince anymore?”

“Nah,” said the mermaid, who was really a sensible girl at heart. Flicking her beautiful fish tail, she left the scowling witch and swam away from the creepy bone house in the centre of polypi forest, through the whirlpools and back to the King’s palace with the crystal ballroom and the rows of beautiful shells.

And she lived happily ever after, being grateful for what she had.

~ The End ~

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Slug

It all started four nights ago.

I remember it quite clearly. It was 11:30pm and I went outside to see if I could spot my errant cat. It had been raining but it was summer and still warm outside. So I didn’t bother to put shoes on.

Squelsh!

“Urghhhh! Ugh urgh urghhh, I trod on a slug, I trod on a slug barefoot!” I yelled in abject horror, half running, half hopping up the stairs to the bathroom and sticking my left foot under the bathroom tap.

My boyfriend did not react sympathetically to my trauma. “That’ll teach you to go outside without shoes on,” he laughed.

I shuddered, “I hate slugs, I hate them, I really hate them! Urgh!” I repeated as I scrubbed vigorously at my foot.

“It’s only a slug, it can’t hurt you,” he commented reasonably. “I’m sure your foot is clean now,” he added, watching my furious efforts.

“I can still feel the slime between my toes,” I shuddered again.

“I’m pretty sure that’s just soap. Rinse it off and come to bed.”

I did a bit of impromptu gymnastics, trying to turn the sole of my foot upwards and bending my face to examine it whilst keeping my other foot out of the bathtub. After I nearly fell headlong into the bath, my rational brain kicked in and I decided he was probably right. After all, it was only (only!) slug slime. I dried my foot with a big towel and ten minutes later I was in bed.

I lay there snuggled up to my boyfriend’s warm, dry skin and tried to forget the cold and slimy slug. I couldn’t. I’m not a fearful person. I don’t have phobias. I rescue spiders from the bathtub with my bare hands. I happily walk around in the dark. I voluntarily let a nurse stick me with needles three times a year to donate blood. I’ve been abseiling. Somewhere in the house there’s an old Polaroid photo of me with a giant boa constrictor around my neck. I suppose I’m not really ‘phobic’ of slugs, in the sense that I don’t go to extreme lengths to avoid them. I don’t refuse to go outside if they’re within view or anything. But I do find them really, really repulsive.

Looking back, I think I know when it began.

I still remember the incident as though it happened this morning. I was nine years old and we were doing some sort of nature project at school. Somewhere along the way I had picked up a snail and, for some reason, brought it inside. I knew that snails liked to be damp and I was worried it would dry out, so I got one of the green paper towels from the dispenser in the girl’s toilet, wet it with water, put the snail on it and tucked it my pocket.

Five minutes later, back in the classroom I pulled it out to show my friend. And that’s when I realised that the snail was foaming. Bubbling with horrible, greenish-white foam where its foot was touching the chemically-infused paper towel. I stared at it in horror, frozen like a rabbit in headlights. I knew I should pull the poor thing off the paper, but I couldn’t bring myself to touch it, even the shell. Other children nearby stared. One yelled. The teacher ran over, took one look and threw it outside. Then she told me off at some length for being such an idiot. Which I suppose I deserved for bringing the thing inside, but I honestly had no idea that a wet paper towel might poison a snail.

Now the more astute amongst you might be thinking that this was a snail, not a slug. But I’m sure someone told me once that slugs came from snails, or the other way around, so really they’re the same thing. And anyway it’s that whole slimy foot thing that gets me. They both have that regardless. That horrible, soft, moving, cold, slimy, pulsating muscle slowing expanding and contracting its way across the floor. Leaving a trail of silver slime behind it as a ghostly reminder of where the disgusting thing has been, but so often starting in the middle of the floor, so that you wonder how it got there, and start to think they maybe they drop off the ceiling, or out of the sky to land....

...plop...

in the middle of the floor.

Or on your head.

Just the memory of the whole horrible incident made me shudder again, and the sole of my foot itched. But eventually I drifted off to sleep and my dreams were, thankfully, not of slugs or snails.

The next day I went outside and looked cautiously at the pavement. The slug was there, drying in the sun. It had moved a bit from where I stepped on it, probably limping (can slugs limp?) as it slowly died from internal injuries. The poor thing had given up the ghost after a couple of feet. I almost felt sorry for it, but not so sorry that I was going to bring myself to pick it up and move it. It was a very big slug, even dried out it was a good two inches long and nearly an inch across. I consoled myself that it had probably been munching its way through our front garden and been making its way over to the neighbours. Really, I’d done everyone a favour.

My dreams were not so peaceful the second night. I was late, very late for some unidentified appointment. I kept looking at my watch, thinking, I’m only ten minutes late. I’m only half an hour late, I’m only an hour late, whilst getting steadily more and more anxious. My car wouldn’t work. I pressed the key fob and the car rattled and shook, and turned into a picture of a bus. My phone reset itself, wiped all my phone numbers and refused to make calls. I ran, but I couldn’t move fast enough. My left foot went numb and the numbness spread up my legs and paralysed them. My vision closed in on itself, going black at the edges so that my field of view became smaller and smaller, until I collapsed in a heap on the floor in shadows and confusion.

I woke up in a cold sweat to find, of course, that everything was just fine. The sun was streaming through the window, I wasn’t late for anything, my car was still a car, and most importantly of all, my phone was as I’d left it.

I expected the bad dream to be a one-off and that I would sleep peacefully the next night, because that’s how it normally works. But it seemed my subconscious didn’t want to cooperate.

In this dream I had done something terrible. I’d catastrophically injured someone I knew. I wasn’t entirely clear how I’d done it, but I knew it was my fault by the overwhelming sense of guilt sitting like a pool of frozen lead in my stomach. I looked at the body, lying on a slab. Its eyes were ripped out leaving raw and bloody sockets that stared upwards, accusingly. Where its stomach should have been there was just a gaping, black cavity with pieces of torn skin fringing the edges. Its legs and feet were crushed, the bones splintered and flattened into unnatural shapes. I had a sudden flashback of the woman, it had been a woman, someone I’d known and even liked once, walking with me and having a conversation. I’d been angry with her about something and set off this dreadful chain of events in a fit of revenge. But at this point she was apologising to me and I was realising with dreadful, sinking horror that it was too late. I couldn’t stop the thing. She was going to die and it was my fault. My. Fault.

I woke up suddenly, actually feeling an enormous sense of relief. I was grateful to get out of bed and into a warm shower, reassuring myself that none of it had really happened and that the residual guilt hanging over me was in fact unwarranted.

You’d think after two sets of nightmares I might have spotted a pattern, but you know how it is, dreams – even horrible ones – fade like streaks of water on a hot pavement. Before you know it, you can barely remember even the scantiest of details. I got on with my every-day activities and forgot all about it.

Until last night, that is.

I was running again, in some sort of half familiar, half unfamiliar landscape. The sky was dark red and fiery, swirling with ominous clouds. The air tasted of sulphur and metal. I was trying to get away, trying to escape from some unknown horror, but my legs felt as though they were turning to concrete and wouldn’t respond to any command other than a slow walk. I couldn’t pull air into my lungs to scream. I stumbled against a wall and watched as people ran past me, litter and dust kicked up in their wake. I fell to the ground and rolled on my back, trying to crawl crab-like on my feet and hands. Something was hidden in the dark, something gruesome and noxious. In a blind panic I stumbled onwards, unable to stop staring into the blackness in front of me. My eyes fell to my left foot, which was burning cold, hot and numb all the same time. I stared in horror as shiny, black blot appeared on my skin. It spread like some hideous malignant tumour, moving across my foot, up my ankle, my leg, knee, down the other leg...

In front of me something moved. Slowly I looked up. It was there. A giant, revolting slug. Its back was shiny and pitted. Its sides were covered in what looked like scales, the blackness paling to gold closer to the ground where there was a slithering and shifting black valance. The base of its foot was lined like an old, wrinkled finger, and from its head protruded four tentacles, each with small sphere at the end, extending and contracting into its repulsive, fat body. Behind it there was a think trail of silver mucus, parts of it shining red in the reflected light of the fiery sky.

Repulsion and fear surged through me. I couldn’t move, but I wanted to scream and scream and scream until I ran out of sound. I wanted to move my eyes away, or even just shut them, to stop looking at it, but I couldn’t even do that. I was forced to stare into the vile, glistening surface.

The slug extended its upper two tentacles and, for want of a better word, looked at me.

And it said, “you killed one of us, and for this you will die.”

And then...

....

... and then...

…. I started shaking.

But, I realised, not with fear. I was laughing. Laughing so hard my whole body was shaking.

“For this I will die? What kind of ridiculous cliché is that? And really, a giant talking slug?” I spluttered, pulling myself to my feet, my paralysis disappearing as quickly as it had arrived, the black blotches fading from my skin. I looked at the slug. It wasn’t scary at all. It was just a big, stupid slug. As I looked at it, it seemed to shrink. The sky above cleared, patches of blue appearing in the distance. Shafts of sunlight peeked through the clouds.

I thought I heard the slug make a sound, a kind of ‘noooooo’ sound, but I wasn’t sure. The harder I stared at it and the more I laughed, the faster it shrank until it was barely bigger than a normal slug. I reached down and picked it up between my thumb and forefinger still, I will admit, shuddering a little bit at the cold, slimy softness of it, and threw it as hard as I possibly could into the distance.

And then I woke up, feeling just fine.

Some things just aren’t scary when you look them in the face.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Amazing

They say the mirror never lies, but what do they know?  At best, the one in front of me was talking rubbish.

“In order to pass you must solve this riddle.  One of us always tells the truth, and one of us always lies.  Behind one door lies certain death, and the other safe passage.  You must choose, but you may only ask one of us one question.  Speak now.”

“Oh good grief, this old thing,” I snapped.  For one thing, everyone knows the answer.  And for two, it doesn’t work does it, because you’re a pair of talking mirrors.

I stepped back slightly, one eyebrow raised disparagingly.  In front of me there were indeed two doors set into the featureless white stone of the maze in which I was currently, well, not lost exactly.  Let’s say, trying to find my way though.  On each door, where the doorknocker would usually be, there was a beautiful, ornate mirror.  The glass of each was a perfect, unmarked disc of silver, set in polished wood that looked like sanded and finished driftwood, natural swirls and whorls making rather abstract, yet elegant, shapes around the sides.  At the top of each mirror the shapes seemed to flow and form into faces that looked like the gnarly features you sometimes see in trees if you glance at them when you’re running for your life through a forest in the middle of the night.  No?  Just me then.

“If you know the answer,” said the face atop the mirror on my left rather piously, “use it and pass”.  It didn’t exactly have arms, but if it had it would have folded them.

I sighed, “I don’t need to.”  I walked closer to the right-hand mirror and looked carefully at the reflections in it.  Then I looked behind me, no sense in being overconfident after all.  The image was a perfect representation of the stone wall behind me.  There was also a perfect representation of me: long, dark hair tied into a long braid, a rough cotton shirt with a fitted leather waistcoat over the top, leather trousers and short leather boots.  It’s not that I have an sort of leather fetish you understand, it’s just practical.  It’s hardwearing, protects your skin from minor cuts and scrapes, and on a cold night it keeps you warm.  The mirror also reflected my eyes: dark blue with hints of green, in a face tanned from long days outside.  It was definitely me..

On the other hand, the mirror on the left was showing an image of a man, with blonde hair and brown eyes, surrounded by walls of blue glass.  Definitely not me.  A lie, in fact.

“I’ve never liked that stupid riddle anyway,” I muttered, more to myself than the mirrors, “I mean, if the one that sets up the rules is the truth-teller, then you just ask him which way to go.  And if he’s not the truth-teller, then none of the rules are right either are they?  For all you know, both doors are booby traps.”

“Decide, adventurer,” said the mirror on my right.

I walked up to it, “ok, which door’s safe?”

The face smiled at me indulgently.  “Are you sure that’s your question?  I could give you a little clue, if you like?”  The mirror on the left laughed.

“Just answer.”  I stopped, and then added: “Please.”  No good ever comes of being rude to magical artefacts, even really stupid ones.

The mirror did a sort of shrug, its features shuffling up slightly and the dropping down again.  “Very well.  That way.” Its eyes slid to the left hand door.

“Fine.” I didn’t question the answer, I’d wasted enough time.  I walked up to the door on the left and pushed it.  Then face on the mirror scowled at me, but the door slid open smoothly, and at the same time stone hands appeared out of the wall and shoved me, hard.  I stumbled and fell.

But not far, because the ground below me was just more smooth stone.  Unlike the ground to my right, where there was a sudden drop into a deep, dark pit.  Had the hands pushed me that way, I’d have fallen straight down.  I pulled a small copper coin out of my pocket and tossed it into the depths.  It rattled once against the wall, and then silence.  I counted to fifteen slowly in my head before I head a faint, ‘plop’.  I whistled.  Despite the stupidity of the puzzle, I felt incredibily relieved I was on the right side.  On rather, the left.

I jogged onwards through the maze.  It was boring, endless white stone in all directions.  I made turns when I had to, but kept checking the small compass in my pocket so that I continued in a roughly northerly direction.  I spotted some tripwires strung across the path at ankle height. They were easily dodged.  I was half tempted to set them off from a distance, just to see what delightful little punishment they meted out but curiosity, as they say, killed the cat – and I’d prefer to stay alive.  A little further on there was a dangerous-sounding growl from the left turn, but I had my ears open so I simply chose the right-hand path and never got to find out what caused the noise.  Shame.

Eventually I came to a small, wooden door set into what would otherwise have been a dead end.  I examined it closely, just in case.  It looked pretty innocuous.  Cautiously, I pushed it.  It creaked open, revealing a huge lake inside an enormous cave.  On the shore nearest to me, there was a chicken fenced into a small pen, a fox in a metal cage firmly attached to the stone floor with a heavy metal chain, a large bag of grain on a wooden table, and a small rowing boat.  There was also a sign.

“Oh don’t tell me, let me guess,” I muttered as a peered at the sign.  It read:

‘You must cross the lake in the boat, but you cannot leave the chicken unattended with the fox, for the fox will eat it, and you cannot leave the chicken alone with the grain, for it will eat that.  You may only carry one – fox, chicken or grain – in the boat at any one time, and you may make no more than five journeys across the lake in any direction.’

I looked at the collect of objects and animals in front of me.  I looked at the boat.  I looked across the lake, where there was pen like the one on this side, presumably for the chicken, another table, and a similar metal cage for the fox with its door standing open.  There was also another wooden door.

“But WHY?” I said aloud.  I got into the boat, and was about to push off when something occurred to me.  I got out, grabbed the grain sack, got back into the boat and started rowing swiftly across to the opposite shore.  I spat into the depths on the way past, just to see if swimming might have been an option.  Small fish with mouths full of tiny, needle-sharp teeth immediately surfaced and snapped at the ripples.  I nodded to myself and wryly made a mental note not to fall in.

I reached the other side, jumped carefully into the shallowest part of the water and quickly pulled the boat out.  Then I walked over and shoved the door.  It was locked.  “Someone did put some thought into this then,” I muttered.  I slammed the door of the empty fox cage and dumped the grain sack onto the wooden table.  There was an audible click and the door opened an inch.

I glanced back at the chicken and the fox I’d left alone on the other side.  They were still in their separate enclosures, not bothering each other at all.

Through the door the maze changed.  Instead of endless white stone, it had become dense walls of some sort of evergreen plant I’d never seen before.  It smelled of moist soil, pine and thunderstorms, and for the first time in a long while I could see the sky overhead.  It swirled with dark, angry-looking clouds.

Before long I came across the next puzzle; a precariously narrow bridge strung across a wide pit.  Just to really hammer home the point, the pit was lined with spikes.  It goes without saying that it was too far to jump.  There were three golden balls on the floor by my feet and, over on the other side, three ball-shaped indentations on a small platform next to yet another door cut into a wall of ragged, irregular dark stone.  I was tempted not to even read the sign, but you never know.  It might say something unexpected.  It didn’t.


‘You must cross the bridge.  You may only pass once.  It can only carry the weight of you and two of the golden spheres.  If you try to hold three at once, it will break.’

I picked up the balls and considered for a second.  I knew the theoretical solution to this problem but I’d never been entirely sure if it would really work.  Those spikes looked sharp, and I wasn’t particularly keen to experiment.  On the other hand, it was the quickest way...

I hefted the weight of the spheres, and threw them upwards on a neat, vertical path.  They were nicely weighted and within a few seconds I had them sailing through the air in a  controlled juggling movement.  Keeping my eyes on the balls and, in the distance, the path on the other side, I stepped briskly onto the bridge.  It creaked, but held.  As quickly as I could I made my way across, throwing the balls ahead as soon as I was sure they’d land safely.  After another few seconds my feet touched solid ground again, and I breathed a sigh of relief, snatched the spheres up off the ground and dropped them into the indentations by the door.  It swung all the way open silently.

I entered a cavern, dimly lit with orange, flickering light.  The air was hot and filled with sulphurous fumes.  I coughed and blinked, my eyes watering.  In front of me was a pool of bubbling lava.  Floating on the surface were a series of tiles, each of which had a letter carved into its stone surface.  I picked a stone up and dropped it on a letter X near my foot.  The tile collapsed as though it were paper.  Ah.

This time the sign said:

“I have a mouth but cannot speak; I have a bed but do not sleep; I never walk but I can run; spell my name and you’ll be home.”

I really didn’t have time for this.  I looked up and then pulled a small grappling hook out of my pack and tossed it over one of the rocky outcrops above the lava pool.  It caught, and didn’t budge when I tugged on it.  I took a few steps backwards and then dashed forwards and swung...

I was a little short.  I let go of the rope at the top of its arc, and had to fall rather further than I might have liked.  My back foot landed hard on the letter R on the far side, but the tile held and I stumbled forward, out of danger.  For now.

In front of me was yet another door, but this time there was no locking mechanism.  It opened when I touched it, to reveal a brightly-lit room.  The walls were polished white stone and otherwise undecorated.  There was a man sitting on a large, ornate chair in the centre of the room and, next to that, a stone pedestal holding a large, misty-white crystal ball.  I blinked in the sudden brightness.

“Ah, Alena.  Do shut the door behind you, I absolutely loathe that smell.  Well done, you are the first,” said the man, “although your methods were in places rather... interesting.  ”  He had piercing eyes, the most brilliant shade of emerald green. His features were rather hawk-like, all sharp angles, the effect enhanced by a neat triangular beard.  His entirely black outfit contrasted sharply with his pale skin and bright, red hair.  Call me old-fashioned, but that red hair didn’t really work with the rest of the look.  I really felt he ought to have jet black hair.  Possibly slicked-back white blonde.  At the very least bald and wearing eyeliner.  But no, red hair it was.  I knew him, of course.

“You said we had to get through the maze quickly, and alive, Capstorm.  I’ve done that.”

“Indeed, yes,” he replied.  “Although Zenia is not far behind you, I think she will be here in a minute or so.  She is an intelligent girl despite her efforts to convince everyone otherwise, but not very imaginative.  She does like to do everything by the, ah, letter.”  He beckoned me over to the crystal ball and motioned me to look into it.  When I did, the mist cleared and I could see a pretty girl with short, fair hair and wearing what was, to my mind, a ridiculously short leather dress and long boots, jumping rather clumsily from stone tile to stone tile on the lava.  Capstorm looked expectantly at me, clearly hoping I’d smile at his pun.  I didn’t.

“What about tha- what about Rothbert?”  I’d been going to say, ‘that idiot Rothbert’, but remembered in time that he was, in fact, Capstorm’s nephew.  Capstorm the powerful, could-crush-you-with-a-blink, wizard’s nephew.

“Ah,” said Capstom.  “A lesson – “ He was interrupted by the door opening again.  Zenia, the blonde girl, ran in, clearly expecting to be first.  More surprisingly, no more than five seconds behind her, a tall, handsome and well-muscled young man with light brown hair, carefully tousled into a fashionable look, tight trousers and a too-white shirt.  They both looked annoyed to see me.

“Bathos!” called the wizard, clapping his hands.  As if from nowhere, a huge dark-skinned man appeared from the back wall.  Interestingly, he was bald and wearing eyeliner.  I turned to stare at the wall as he walked towards Zenia and Rotherbert, and realised that there was another section of wall there, creating a path between it and the main wall that was virtually invisible unless you knew it was there.

“Bathos, please escort our two, ah, runners up to the exit.”

“Wait,” said Zenia sharply her eyes flashing, “this isn’t fair!”  She pointed at me: “She cheated!  I saw her swing across the tile puzzle just as I arrived.  She didn’t solve it, her stupid hook’s still hanging there.”  She folded her arms and glared at me accusingly.

I shrugged.  I’d never claimed otherwise.

“Alena simply took the shortest route,” replied Capstorm.  As she has already, quite correctly, reminded me, I merely told you to get through the maze.  I didn’t specify how.”  At this he glanced at Rothbert, who I noticed was looking rather shifty.  “Besides, I suspect she does know the answer to the riddle, since she took the trouble to land rather neatly on the last letter of the answer.”  He looked at me and said, “if you wouldn’t mind?”

“River,” I answered promptly.

“But – “ protested Zenia.

The wizard cut her off.  “There’s no shame in looking for different, quicker solutions to problems Zenia.  You should remember that.”  He picked up his heavy, oak staff which had been leaning against the back of the chair in one hand and let it fall with a heavy slap into the other.  It’s not wise to waste energy on say, complicated magic like a silencing spell if you happen to have a large stick.”

Scowling silently, Zenia followed Bathos out of the room.  Rothbert followed, looking slightly confused.

Capstorm waited until they were gone and then looked at me, “I know you’re wondering how he managed to arrive so soon after her, no, don’t be polite.”  He shook his head sadly.  “The lad may be my sister’s son but anyone can see he can barely tie his own shoelaces without help.  Look.”  He waved at the crystal ball again.  I stared into it, and this time the mists swirled blue and purple, and I had a sense of backwards motion.

Eventually the fog cleared and I saw an image of Rothbert, standing in front of the pair of mirrors.  Surely he didn’t screw this up?  I thought, just before I saw him push the door on the right.  I winced as hands pushed him roughly into the hole, and then watched in disbelief as a strong wind blew up and cushioned his fall.  He fell no more than ten feet, landing with a gentle slosh into six inches of water, suffering nothing more than wet feet.  There was a tunnel there, leading away.  Shaking his feet, Rothbert walked through it.

The crystal ball followed his movements.  He walked for about five minutes before the tunnel opened up into a large cave lit with flickering, orange and red light.  With a jolt I realised it was a the cave with the lava and the tile riddle, but he was entering it from the side.  He read the sign and looked puzzled, then tentatively put a foot on one of the tiles, which immediately crumbled under his weight.

His head snapped round at a sound behind him.  He threw himself back towards the way he’d come.  He just about managed to get out of sight when Zenia ran past from the other direction.  He watched her read the sign and then start jumping from tile to tile, waited until she was virtually through and then started matching her step for step.  Frankly I was surprised he remembered five tiles he had to land on.  And so it was that he ended up running through the door to this room just a few seconds after his rival.

“In a way it’s fortunate he found the, ah, shortcut.  He would undoubtedly have triggered the tripwires and we might have found him at least 6 inches shorter today,” said the wizard shaking his head sadly.  “Anyway, as I was saying before we were interrupted earlier, the lesson here is that it’s not always what you know but whom.  More often than not, blind luck and borrowing the intellect of others will get you a long way.  In this case, not quite far enough.  But,” he fixed his piercing green eyes on mine, “don’t forget this Alena.  Life is not often fair.”

I nodded.  “Well,” he said after a long pause, “we must get started on your apprenticeship Alena.  But before we go, logic is as important as lateral thinking.  You solved the bridge yourself and I’ve already heard the answer to the tiles.  So, the correct solution to the doors?  Assuming the mirrors don’t give themselves away that is.”

“Ask one of them which way the other would say.”

“Good, good.  And the boat?”

“Take the chicken across, come back, collect the fox, then take the chicken back to the other side.  Then pick up the grain and take that over, then back, then chicken.”

“Excellent.  Well done.”  He smiled, picked up his staff and walked through concealed passage at the back of the room.  I followed, feeling glad he hadn’t asked me for the solution to the tile puzzle before he’d shown me Alena in the crystal ball the first time, because up until then, apart from being pretty sure it ended in R, I hadn’t had a clue.